What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 03:26
I was scared of men, in general
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
How is sex in college like with roommates and big campuses?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
All the time i was locked up.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it wasn’t much.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Doloremque harum est natus ipsum quasi at atque quam.
He knew the spot.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We were not on the streets..
Which feels physically better for guys: vaginal sex or anal sex?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I waited trembling.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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Put me off passion for life!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i do to all so called friends.?
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So, i spoilt her more .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She found it foreign!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I write beautiful poetry .
Who then, do I blame.?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I never cut or harmed myself..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My family never makes their pension either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One cannot live in the past .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was 9 years of age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Would this be the day?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So whats the point in blame.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I don,t even have a pension.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It was going to be , some day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I have no regrets .
We all went to grammer schools
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I said to her
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She married twice! .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I think the readers, may guess!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What did i know ?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was seconnd youngest,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But, we were locked up after school.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
This is soul school!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was very sick at this time too.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ive learnt so much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Comes on , in middle age.
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I will be 64.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And i lived it daily.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When she asked me how she looked .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was in good health!